The Birds...

So there I was, in a rush to get to a friend whose messages hadn't reached me. They had come through as 3 messages in one go, with various ways of saying 'where the hell are you?' ending in a crescendo of recrimination. I was travelling along the road at a fair pace, i.e. faster than I should, when I rounded a bend and had a brief impression of a pair of pheasant eyes looking at me in surprise then 'BOOM'! I looked in my rear view mirror and there was nothing in the road so I went on - the bad Samaritan. I arrived at my friend's house and as she sat in the passenger seat, her husband slowly walked round to the front of the car, bent down and then held up a pheasant, looking very...dead. It had been wedged in the grille.The poor b****r never had a chance - it still had the same surprised expression on its face! My friend and her husband were in stitches but I was mortified and clapped my hands to my face in shame.
Ten minutes later, we had to brake sharply as an unidentifiable pure white bird wandered across the road in front of us. 'What was it?' my friend asked - but I knew what it was. It was the avian ghost of my little pheasanty friend - come to haunt me.
On reaching the car park of the shopping centre, I was about to pull into the only available parking place but found my way blocked by a peacock. I kid you not. Malevolently staring at me, daring me to go nearer. Word (or tweet) obviously travels fast in bird-circles. 'Get this woman who killed our brother bird - she shall never park easily again!' I backed up and waited for another parking space, glancing nervously overhead for the vulture I knew was on its way. I know when I'm beat.

Thirteen for dinner?

It was my eldest grandson's 17th birthday on Saturday. I'd invited close family for dinner as he was having an evening one with his friends (in the drunken, roistering, vomiting, falling on floor way that teenagers do I suppose?). When I tried to add us up for chairs, I kept coming to thirteen. Everybody arrived and I went and counted them as best I could as they were randomly scattered and came to thirteen again. I don't realise that I'm superstitious until it comes down to it but I was actually contemplating sitting in the kitchen on my own with a home-made newspaper megaphone shouting 'help yourselves everyone!' Has anyone else had this problem and what did you do?!
When we arranged the chairs to sit down, it transpired there were only twelve so I think I must have been counting myself twice which is possibly an egotistical thing... Psychologists would have a field day.
Anyway, Four grandchildren, daughter and her ex-partner, youngest son and his partner, my ex-husband, sister-in-law, niece and myself (that IS twelve isn't it?!) polished off two huge dishes of lasagne, baked potatoes, cheese and garlic bread and salad, followed by fresh fruit salad, ice-cream, then cake!! Gratifyingly empty plates. Still seemed like an upbeat version of the Last Supper though with two tables joined together. We had a carrier pigeon on standby to take the salt up and down the table. Christmas next...

Alone again-naturally

Well, my company has gone and - just for a while - I think I would prefer to live with someone and be able to chat with them about the day's events. Have a drink with them on an evening etc. I have had a wonderful time. A few days down the line, I will remember that I love my own company and enjoy the long autumn nights reading, writing, painting or bungee jumping. Okay, I lied about the last one but you get my drift.  I have spent years perfecting the art of being alone and enjoying it. Being a loner doesn't mean being a recluse. I love company and enjoy having my family and friends around me. I am a sociable person who enjoys good company and good conversation and I love my family to bits.Yet I can't deny that it it is just as nice to know that you can be alone with your thoughts and have the freedom to be yourself. A mixture of the two is the answer I think. If you are alone too long you become insular and cannot benefit from your peace and quiet. Yet if you have lots of company, either through your work or from family get-togethers or family and friends staying with you, it is only then you can appreciate the silence afterwards in the nicest and most non-offensive way possible. So say Confucius in his guise as Chairman Sue. What do you think?

Alias Alf

Was at work today, 'Alf' as I shall call him, put some music on. It was all Irish songs and as Danny Boy came on, I sang along. As it came to the end, I was in tears. No, it was not my singing...! It is just one of those songs that always sets people off. The words and the tune are both so sad!
Alf also gets a lot of his words muddled up - he's in his eighties but I suspect it's something he's always done. Today he announced that his sister was going in for her vasectomy. I looked at him startled and he misinterpreted the look. 'You know' he said, frowning 'With breast cancer. She's got to have a breast off'. The subject was too serious to laugh but all the same, it was a little gem!
Alf occasionally gets me a cup of tea in a tall mug with yellow flowers on. Today, I saw the mug on the table holding some cut-off pink carnations from his garden. 'They're pretty' I whispered hoarsely. 'Yes', he said, 'I always put the windfall flowers in that cup cos it's got flowers on too'.    I suddenly didn't feel too good. I think it may be what you'd call Nausea In Retrospect.

Aged Uncle incidents

Adventures with Aged Uncle- No.1

Got told off for doing a  quick right in the car because I had to turn down the road he wanted to go on and I didn't pip the horn to let Pam (his daughter) know. He said they were in the car behind us - they weren't. He didn't talk to me for a full five minutes. Nearly killed said Uncle when again, I nearly missed a turning on a roundabout and swiftly (and swervily) rectified it. He didn't speak to me for ten minutes after but that was because he was in a state of shock. He fell off a kerb and I put my back out trying to catch him before he hit the floor. He said he was fine, he didn't trip, what was I worrying about? The next day, he pretended to shoot a young woman with his walking stick and overbalanced - toppling sideways. As I was walking at the back of him I caught him from behind (they might be after me for the England cricket team at this rate-Howzat!) but he was annoyed that his display of male hunter- gatherer machoism for the lady had ended badly. 'If you'd get from behind me' he said 'I might be able to walk properly!' Perhaps if you put your walking stick on the ground for the purpose intended and stop playing geriatric cowboys and indians - it might have the same effect? He loves me really...

The Famous Five Tea Party-with Two.

Yesterday I met my daughter for lunch at a farm shop. After a small mushroom quiche with lettuce leaves and a thimbleful of coleslaw, we felt we had room for dessert. Having chosen Lemon Meringue pie (me) and Victoria Sponge (my daughter), they duly arrived. It is no exaggeration to say that they were each 5 inches high and 5 inches long! I mean, congratulations to the baker who managed those but I would say we were seriously overfaced. More to the point, the cakes were seriously underplated, the cake just fitting onto it with perhaps a little overhang!
We sat there silently for a moment as though contemplating an attack on the North Face of the Eiger and then got our ropes and crampons and waded in. The first forkful fell off onto the table, the second we shoved round to the side to try and get some leverage. Each mouthful was accompanied by a fit of the giggles until we could hardly eat. After a few minutes there was icing sugar in a circle round my daughters plate and crumbs all over and sticky lemon filling all round mine finished off by flakes of meringue. It looked like two toddlers had been learning to eat solids - or the Famous Five had been having a food fight. When the waitress passed by, pretending not to notice the mess, it was all I could do not to ask her for a couple of bibs! We managed to get through most of it by sheer tenacity and, like good citizens, wiped up the evidence with our serviettes. I had to go up and get two more serviettes, unaware of the lemon round my mouth but as my daughter laughed, I pointed out the icing sugar round hers.
Next time we go in there, we are taking bibs,macs and goggles - or our own, much larger plates!